The One With the Unrealistic Plotlines
by vinkunwildflowerqueen
Summary: House and Cameron propose an experiment to see if FRIENDS plotlines are realistic. The stakes are high... what will the outcome be? Please read Authors Note! Hameron, est. relationship. Just something fun. no flames please.
1. Prologue

**The One with the Unrealistic Plotlines**

**By phoenixgirl23**

**DISCLAIMER: House is the property of FOX**

**AN. Hello, all. I know it's been ages since I wrote a Hameron fic, and that's due to a couple of reasons. First, the show annoys me now and the lack of Hameron on screen does not inspire me to write Hameron much anymore. Plus, after realising pretty much all the 28 or so stories I've written for this site so far are House, I wanted to expand a little and challenge myself by writing new genres.**

**So, a Harry/Hermione fic and a WICKED Fiyeraba fic later, here we are. Plus, I'm obsessed with WICKED right now, so I really wanted to try and write one. But, this has been floating around on my computer for a while now, so I thought I'd finish it. There's a few more unfinished Hameron fics I'll get around to finishing one day, but I really want to try and write different stuff.**

**So, this story is a little silly, just some light fun. I almost put it under the Humour genre, but I don't think it's actually funny. Anyway, enjoy!**

**Prologue**

The bride and groom stood at the altar, both glowing with happiness as they stood with their hands entwined before the minister.

"If anyone knows why these two people should not be joined in holy matrimony, may they speak now or forever hold their peace."

The groom shot a sudden nervous look over the bride's shoulder at the maid of honour, who was watching the ceremony with tear-filled eyes.

"I object!"

The surprising announcement made everyone turn to the back of the church, as a young man, bleeding and covered in mud and scratches limped up the aisle. The bride was utterly bewildered as she approached the stranger.

"Who are you?" she demanded angrily, furious that this man had interrupted her wedding.

The man didn't answer her, instead smiled sardonically at the groom and the maid of honour, both looking shell-shocked.

"Surprised to see me here, Luke? Bet you and Maria thought it would be so easy to get me out of the way, and your little secret would go unnoticed, huh?"

"Luke?" the bride asked the groom, confused.

"I- I don't know what he's talking about, Nessa," he swore, his face drained of colour.

"Nessarose, they've been lying to you," the other man told the bride to the surprise of the guests.

"Luke's only marrying you for your father's fortune. Unfortunately, that hasn't stopped him from sleeping with your best friend and getting her pregnant!"

Everyone turned to the maid of honour, who abruptly fainted dead away into the arms of the groom.

"Oh, you've _got _to be kidding me!"

House looked away from the television screen and turned to his exasperated girlfriend, who was rolling her eyes at the screen.

"It's ok, it's not Luke's baby," House assured her and Cameron rolled her eyes again.

"How can you watch this crap? It's completely unrealistic!"

"Oh, sure when compared to _Harry Potter,"_ House retorted. "Which reminds me, if you could grab me a Butterbeer, that'd be great."

Cameron glared at him. "Shut up. You haven't even _read _Harry Potter... and that's totally different."

"How, pray tell?"

"Harry Potter is fantasy," Cameron argued. "That's the point of the series! Soap operas are a load of crap."

"They're not _all _crap," House replied, but when Cameron merely raised an eyebrow at him pointedly, he shrugged and didn't argue.

"It's a soap opera, Allison. They're not supposed to be realistic... if they were, it wouldn't be any fun to watch."

She laughed. "Please, I've seen you and Wilson in the cafeteria gossiping about everyone like two little old ladies. You love watching people."

House grinned. "Only the stupid ones... which is pretty much everyone, right?"

Cameron giggled again. "Seriously, why do you watch these shows?" she demanded.

House shrugged. "The fact that all these storylines are so ridiculously outrageous is what makes them fun."

"I watch plenty of TV shows with realistic plotlines that I enjoy, because they _are _realistic," Cameron said and House snorted.

"Really? Which shows are they? _Ghost Whisperer, Charmed _or _Buffy the Vampire Slayer?" _

Cameron threw a pillow at him. "Shut up! I watch more shows than those!"

"Name one show you watch with realistic plotlines?" House demanded, his attention now completely diverted from the TV.

Cameron only thought about it for a moment. "_F.R.I.E.N.D.S"_

Again, House snorted. "Really? What's so realistic about a group of people in their thirties who are able to spend the majority of their time in a coffeehouse?"

She rolled her eyes. "The storylines are realistic, even if the concept of the show isn't."

"Example?"

Cameron cast her mind around for one, and recalled the episode she had been watching the previous day.

"OK, the episode where Rachel and Joey swap books. I do that _all _the time with my friends."

"Lucky guess," House grumbled. House wasn't one to admit defeat lightly or often, even over something as simple as sitcom storylines.

"Ok, I have an experiment," he announced and Cameron waited expectantly. "Let's pick…four plotlines from _F.R.I.E.N.D.S _and we'll see if they really are realistic."

Cameron narrowed her eyes slightly as she considered this. "They have to be B or C plotlines though, not the main episode storyline," she added and House shrugged.

"Fine."

She grinned at her boyfriend, clearly confident with the outcome of this experiment. "What do I get when I win?"

House was thoughtful for a moment. "If I win... you have to watch all my soaps with me every day for a month!" he declared, and if Cameron hadn't been so sure of herself, she would have groaned.

"Fine. If I win, we're going to watch all the Harry Potter _and _Lord of the Rings movies, and you're not going to complain once about how all this stuff could never happen."

House made a face. He and Cameron had been together for a year now, and the few parts of the Harry Potter movies he had seen, he'd come away with bruises up and down his arms. Every time he mentioned the impossibility of something, Cameron would pinch him.

"Fine," he conceded reluctantly. Then he held out his hand for her to shake. "Deal?"

Cameron grinned. "Deal," she agreed, shaking his hand.

Then she laughed. "This is going to be fun," she said happily, immediately getting up and going to find her _F.R.I.E.N.D.S _DVDs to start looking for ideas.

House smiled to himself as he settled back in to watch his soaps. It would be fun, he supposed, but he was just glad to find out how it ended between Luke and Nessarose, now that she knew about Maria's pregnancy.


	2. Monica and Richard are Just Friends

**DISCLAIMER: House is property of FOX**

**AN. This was the idea I had that started the whole story. Btw, the chapter titles are of the episodes where the plotline comes from, just in case anyone wants to know. **

**Chapter 1: The One Where Monica and Richard are Just Friends**

The best thing about this 'experiment', Cameron reflected the next day, was that it gave her an excuse to have a massive _F.R.I.E.N.D.S _marathon, and House didn't even complain. Of course, House being House, he used every opportunity possible to drive Cameron crazy, by suggesting the most ridiculous storylines they saw.

"You are _not _pretending a ghost took over your body!"

House pouted. "Oh, come on! It would be _so _funny!"

"And _so_ unrealistic."

"And hence, prove me right," House grinned and Cameron rolled her eyes.

"No! I'm vetoing it, pick another one."

They had decided when it came down to working out the finer details of the bet that they would each get five vetoes, if the other picked a plotline they didn't want to do. Other details included the decision not to tell anyone else about their bet, House because it seemed like more fun that way, and Cameron in an attempt to keep her dignity.

"What about the one where Rachel and Joey swap books?" Cameron offered in return. "It's a simple one to start off, and it could be a lot of fun."

To House, 'simple' meant 'boring', but he couldn't think of a better one, so he nodded.

"Fine. You pick a book, and I'll pick a book and we'll read them. What do you think, is a week enough time to finish them?"

Cameron nodded. "Sure."

She clapped her hands together gleefully, and turned thoughtfully to the half of the bookshelf in the living room that had all her books on them. Her half was a lot bigger than House's half, mostly because she had more books.

House didn't have to think far about what book to give Cameron to read. Apart from medical books, or a few classic novels from his childhood, there weren't many authors he read of. However, he did have every Stephen King novel published, and it was to this shelf he immediately turned. He knew Cameron had never read much Stephen King, she had tried _The Shining _in college because she thought it was a novel that _had_ to be read, but had given up after a few chapters. Horror was not his girlfriend's favourite genre, and House loved making fun of her for it.

However, he generously decided to give her a break and selected _Rose Madder _for her to read. It was the story of a woman who was abused by her husband and decided to escape, and it being a Stephen King novel, it's safe to say that complications ensue. House knew the story would gain her interest, and it was by far one of the tamer Stephen King novels he could think of from the top of his head.

"_Rose Madder," _Cameron read the title, slightly apprehensively.

"Would you prefer _The Shining?" _House offered.

"No," she said quickly, glaring at his smug expression. "Don't look at me like that! I knew I never should have told you that book gave me nightmares," she muttered.

"Probably," House agreed.

Cameron rolled her eyes and turned back to her shelves.

"So, what have you got for me? Please don't make me read Nicholas Sparks!" House begged, wincing and Cameron laughed.

"No, I've got something even better in mind."

She pulled a book off the shelf and handed it to House, who groaned.

"_Harry Potter?"_

She nodded firmly. "Yep. Because it's almost sacrilege that you haven't read it. And it's all very well to sit there and make jokes about Voldemort and Quidditch; but you can't complain about how awful the books are and how much you hate them if you haven't even read at least the first book. I _hate _when people do that. If you read it and still don't like it, that's fine."

House accepted the book reluctantly and looked at the cover with a grimace. "Fine."

Cameron immediately sat down next to him and opened _Rose Madder, _beginning to read.

"You're starting already?" House questioned incredulously.

She nodded without looking up. "Yep. I've only got a week to read it, and I may want to read it more than once to fully understand it. Plus, just because we don't have a patient now, doesn't mean we won't... especially if you're trying to weasel out of reading _Harry Potter,_" she grinned briefly at him, and House sighed.

* * *

Wilson did a double take as he glanced into House's office whilst passing on his way to visit radiology. Unable to believe what he was seeing, he opened the door and entered the office.

"Are you actually reading what I think you're reading?"

"Does it look like I'm reading it?" House retorted in annoyance.

Wilson was still in shock. "But... what happened to hell freezing over before you would ever read _Harry Potter?"_

"I started dating Allison. At _your _persistence," House replied. It was clear to Wilson he was blaming the oncologist for his sufferings, but Wilson grinned.

"I knew she'd wear you down eventually. What did she do? Withhold sex privileges until you read it?"

House made a face. "Worse. She used logic."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "The horror... so, where are you up to?"

"Harry's first Quidditch match," House answered.

"And what do you think so far?" Wilson couldn't resist asking.

"None of this makes any sense!" House complained. "I mean, why would Voldemort want to kill a baby? I mean, I can kind of understand where he's coming from- babies are dull and make a lot of noise when people are trying to sleep... but as far as I can tell, he didn't live nearby the Potters. And why did it take so long for Hagrid to bring Harry to the Dursley's? McGonagall said it happened the night before, so there's a whole day missing!"

Wilson suppressed a smile. "House, have you not been paying any attention when Allison and I have exactly these conversations? I mean, about the missing day anyway. I'm not going to comment on your theory of Voldemort's motives."

"I tune out whenever you start talking about it," House admitted. "I do that most of the time you start talking."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "What have you got Allison doing in return? I can't imagine you agreed to read _Harry Potter _without making her do something in return."

House shrugged. "Oh, you know... various sexual acts-"

"Oh God!" Wilson protested, clamping his hands to his ears. "I don't want to know!"

"Oh, get over it!" House rolled his eyes at his friend. "You prude. She's reading a Stephen King book," he answered truthfully and Wilson, knowing the story of Cameron's past experiences with the author, shook his head in dismay.

"You know, most men don't go out of their way to torture their girlfriends. What's next? Are you going to plant a spider in her bed?"

House pretended to think about that for a moment, but stopped when he saw Wilson's face. "Kidding. Relax, she's survived a year with me, she can read a Stephen King novel."

Wilson had to admit that House had a point, but didn't retort. Instead he left the office and completed his original task to radiology; before resolving to go and find Cameron and see how she was getting on with Stephen King.

"Congratulations," he said to her, finding her in the lab at the computer and sitting down next to her.

She looked over at him in surprise. "Thank you?"

Wilson chuckled. "You got House to read _Harry Potter. _That's almost as impressive if you got him to do clinic hours without Cuddy nagging him."

Cameron giggled. "I'll work on that," she promised teasingly. "I just got sick of him making jokes about all these things that he hasn't actually read."

Wilson nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean. Unfortunately, I don't think you expected him to sympathise with Voldemort's cause."

This genuinely shocked Cameron and she couldn't help but gasp slightly. "_What? _Are you kidding me?"

"I wish I was. He said he's making you read Stephen King in return?"

Cameron rolled her eyes. "Yes, because if Greg is suffering, we should all suffer, right?"

Wilson laughed knowingly. "Of course. So... which book did he pick?"

"_Rose Madder?_" Cameron answered tentatively, unsure to whether Wilson knew of it, but he nodded in response.

"And what do you think so far?"

Cameron sighed thoughtfully. "As weird as it sounds... I like stories about women escaping situations of domestic violence," she admitted. "I don't know what it is... maybe it's how they manage to take control of their lives and make a new start for themselves... but oh my God, Norman gives me the creeps. I can just feel something terrible is going to happen."

Wilson smiled sympathetically as Cameron actually gave a small shudder. "I have to admit, if I was going to pick a Stephen King novel for you to read, I wouldn't have picked _Rose Madder._"

"What would you have picked?" Cameron asked him in curiosity.

Wilson pondered that for a moment. "Probably _Carrie. _It's not that long, and the way it's written, it's easier to take. And it's almost believable."

Cameron gave a small grin. "Well, if I survive this, I might try that next."

* * *

A week later, House and Cameron convened in the living room as they sat down to dinner.

"Ok, so what did you think of _Rose Madder?" _House asked her.

Cameron sighed, a slight grimace on her face. "Well... I'm glad I had time to read it twice, because I did _not _understand that last part about what happened in the painting the first time. It was... interesting," she said finally, and House smirked. After all this time, he knew when Cameron was just being polite.

"You hated it."

"No!" she protested. "Not... not all of it. Shut up. Did you finish _Harry Potter?"_

It was House's turn to grimace. "Yes."

Cameron was grinning. "And?"

He shrugged, trying to look innocent. "It wasn't... awful," he said reluctantly, as though it caused him great pain to do so.

Cameron was laughing openly at him. "Please, Wilson told me you actually _gasped _aloud the other night. You _liked _it!" she sang, and House glared at her.

"I was surprised," he admitted. "I did _not _see that it was going to be Quirrell at the end."

"Neither did I the first time I read it," Cameron grinned.

"Surprise doesn't mean I liked it," House said firmly, and Cameron smiled, leaning over and kissing his cheek.

"Of course not."

House disappeared after dinner, most likely to get out of doing the dishes, Cameron rolled her eyes fondly as she tidied up. When the kitchen was clean, she picked up the copy of _Rose Madder _from the bench to return to the shelf.

As she slid the book back into its proper spot, she frowned to herself, thinking that something on the shelves looked different than usual... something out of place. Carefully, she scanned the bookshelves, looking for anything odd. And then she saw it. House had replaced her copy of _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone _back on the shelf, but there was still a hole. It took Cameron a moment to realise _the Chamber of Secrets _was missing.

Unable to resist smirking, Cameron made her way to the bedroom and leaned against the doorframe, her arms crossed. Feeling her eyes on him, House looked up from where he was reading on the bed and met her pointed gaze.

"Wanting to know what happens, _doesn't_ mean I like it," he said warningly. "It's a mystery... puzzle."

Cameron grinned at her boyfriend. "Whatever you say, hon."

House glared after her as she left the room, and before turning back to the book, wondering why on earth a house-elf wouldn't want Harry to go back to Hogwarts.


	3. Rachel's Sister Babysits

**DISCLAIMER: House is property of FOX**

**AN. I love this episode. "Baby Kangaroo Tribbianni" cracks me up every time. **

**Chapter Two: The One Where Rachel's Sister Baby-Sits**

It was a fair assessment to say that Cameron was taking this 'experiment' far more seriously than House, at least when it came to selecting the plotlines to try. House was definitely in it to win, but plotlines he suggested were always shot down.

"What about the list of celebrities to sleep with?"

Cameron rolled her eyes. "That's not a challenge, that's a conversation. And it's no big surprise about who will be number one on your list."

House had to concede defeat on that, he wasn't exactly subtle when it came to Angelina Jolie.

"Who would be on your list then?" he asked her and Cameron sighed.

"You really want to have this conversation?"

House nodded, her reluctance igniting his curiosity. "Yep. It doesn't count as a challenge, but I really want to know."

They were in bed, and House had been pestering Cameron as she tried to read. With another long, graceful sigh, she put the book down and leaned her head back thoughtfully.

"How many do I get?" she asked.

"Six."

"Well... Ryan Reynolds... David Boreanaz... George Clooney... Viggo Mortenson... Jonathan Crombie... and Sean Biggerstaff. You?"

House stared at his girlfriend for a moment. "OK, who the hell are Jonathan Crombie and Sean Biggerstaff?"

"Sean Biggerstaff played Oliver Wood in the first two _Harry Potter _films, and Jonathan Crombie is a Canadian actor who played Gilbert Blythe in the _Anne of Green Gables _movies," she answered patiently. "So, who's on your list?"

"Angelina, Elle McPherson, Delta Goodrem, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Jennifer Aniston."

Cameron raised an eyebrow. "Really? You went Team Aniston _and _Team Jolie?"

House shrugged modestly. "I do what I can."

"That's so sweet of you," she replied sarcastically. "Who's Delta Goodrem?"

"Smoking hot Australian singer," he answered and Cameron shook her head, picking up her book again.

They didn't mention the next challenge for awhile, they'd been given a difficult case which became their priority for the next few days. As usual, House did what he always did when he was stumped- went and bugged Wilson.

"Rectal bleeding!" House announced dramatically, as he flung open Wilson's office door.

There was no rectal bleeding involved with the case, but House had lately begun to amuse himself by shouting something disgusting and embarrassing as he entered his friend's office, in the hope Wilson was consulting with a patient. To his disappointment and surprise though, House instead walked in on Wilson with Cuddy, who was embracing him tightly.

"Aw, did I miss the group hug?" he asked lightly and Cuddy glared at him.

House's gaze found the folded piece of paper in the Dean of Medicine's hand, which Cuddy tried to hide from his view, to no avail.

"What's going on?"

Wilson and Cuddy exchanged a look, before Cuddy explained reluctantly. "I'm in the process of adopting. Wilson just wrote me a character reference for the agency."

House was stunned momentarily before he recovered from this bombshell. "Why didn't you ask me?"

Cuddy actually laughed, but stopped abruptly at House's deadpanned expression. "Wait. Are you serious? House... I'm trying to get a child here. I feel anything you have to say would hinder rather than help."

House rolled his eyes. "Of course I'm going to make fun of your boobs and lack of medical skills _here; _but do you really think I don't have _anything _nice to say about you?"

Cuddy hesitated, finally turning to Wilson for help, who shrugged. "He is dating _Cameron,_ " Wilson said and Cuddy acknowledged that before turning back to House.

"Well... if you're serious about this... thanks, House. A reference would be appreciated."

House grinned. "Cool. Now, Wilson- need a consult."

When Cameron entered House's office an hour later, she had a bewildered and suspicious expression on her face.

"Why are you writing a character reference for Cuddy's adoption file?"

House feigned hurt and innocence. "Why are you so suspicious? I can't help my boss get a baby?"

"No," Cameron said flatly. "Wilson and Cuddy are apparently under the idea that this is somehow my influence over you... which I'm happy to take the credit for; but I know you haven't really changed that much, which means you have ulterior motives. Spill."

House briefly considered not telling her, but gave in. If he didn't, she might pull the same trick she'd used last week when he refused to file his paperwork- give away spoilers from _Harry Potter. _He still wasn't sure if it could really be possible that Sirius was innocent- all the evidence made him suspect she was lying, but he wasn't willing to risk it.

"The One Where Rachel's Sister Baby-sits," he answered, handing her the sheet of paper he'd printed from Wikipedia with the complete summary of all F.R.I.E.N.D.S episodes.

Cameron frowned as she scanned the page until she found the one he was looking for.

"Rachel's sister baby-sits Emma- with disastrous results. Mike attempts to propose to Phoebe, and Joey writes a letter of recommendation for Monica and Chandler as they continue in their journey to adopt... oh no!" she gasped, as all the recollections of the episode came to her.

"Greg, you _can't _be serious?"

"Come on, it'll be funny!" House grinned in protest.

"Please don't tell me you're planning on doing this _exactly _like in the episode," Cameron winced apprehensively.

House nodded. He had to admit, he wasn't as big of a F.R.I.E.N.D.S fan as Cameron, but the scene where Monica and Chandler read Joey's recommendation letter, 'improved' by the thesaurus never failed to make him laugh. The idea had come to him as soon as Cuddy had told him about her plans.

"Ok, I love you, but you're being really stupid right now," Cameron said bluntly. "This is a really dumb idea. Cuddy's going to be so mad if you make a big joke of this, this really means a lot to her."

"Al, I love you too, but you worry too much. This is a great idea! I've already started, anyway."

Cameron opened her mouth to argue, but threw her hands up in exasperation and walked away. This was entirely House's challenge, Cameron had nothing to do, except worry as House spent the next few days labouring over his recommendation letter.

"Ok, are you ready to hear it?" he asked her.

Cameron sighed, knowing even if she didn't want to hear it, he'd read it aloud anyway. "Sure."

"_To whom it may concern,_

_Lisa Cuddy has been my superior for a countless duration of time. In that epoch, notwithstanding a reposition into administration as an alternative of the tangible practice of linctus, she's encountered numerous children and it is my credence she would be a elevated aspirant for an adoptive mother. _

_She grosses a satisfactory revenue and can bestow a excellent domicile. She is serene, benevolent, and amorous; in addition to being exceedingly proficient at getting capital or favours out of individuals. She operates ably beneath stress and can manage with several things simultaneously._

_She is a humid, pre-possessing homosapien with a full-sized aortic pump, and I ardently advocate that she receives an infant. _

_Sincerely yours,_

_Gregory Domicile"_

Cameron stared at House for a long moment, not saying anything.

"Cuddy is going to kill you," she said finally.

House waved a dismissive hand. "I really doubt she expects much from _me._"

* * *

The next day, Cameron was standing at the nurse's station in the clinic about to call her next patient when Cuddy approached her. Cameron instinctively and inwardly winced, wondering just how mad at House's stunt she was. To her surprise though, the hospital administrator was smiling broadly.

"Thank you so much, Allison."

Cameron was startled. "For what?"

"For what you've done for House. I never in a million years imagined he actually had a human side, but you've really brought it out in him."

"Is- is this to do with the recommendation he wrote for you?" Cameron asked hesitantly.

Cuddy nodded, beaming. "Yes. For once, House wrote something that has nothing to do with my breast size or apparent incompetence as a doctor or an administrator. And even if you don't realise, I think you had more to do with that than anyone."

Cameron had no idea what was going on, but decided to go with the 'smile and nod'. "Well, thanks Lisa. I'm glad I could help."

She didn't have a chance to confront House until two hours later when she had completed her clinic hours, but when she did, House required no explanation as to what she was talking about.

"I wrote two references," he admitted and Cameron was stunned.

"You wrote two? A real one?"

House shrugged. "Yeah... I figured if I gave her the joke one, she'd give me more clinic duty, and I really don't need that right now. It wasn't much."

Cameron was smiling softly. "I think it was, in Cuddy's opinion anyway."

House didn't like the way she was smiling at him. Her smile said that Cuddy and Wilson were right and she'd had more influence over House than first suspected.

"Don't you have work to do or something?" he demanded uncomfortably, and Cameron came over to kiss him before leaving the office.


	4. Ross got high

**DISCLAIMER: House is property of FOX**

**AN. It was actually harder than I thought it would be to think of something gross for this chapter. New respect for the scriptwriters… this is why I don't write comedy!**

**Chapter 3: The One Where Ross Got High**

"What do you want to do for Thanksgiving?"

House looked up at Cameron with a grimace. "Nothing, same as I do every year for Thanksgiving."

"Aw, come on!" she moaned. "It's the holidays! We should do something!"

"Why should we?" House demanded. "It's not a law, and the damn thing happened hundreds of years ago. Why should we celebrate?"

"It's tradition," Cameron argued. "Thanksgiving is a time to spend with family and friends."

"I hate my parents, have one friend, and the majority of _your _family and friends are in Illinois," House replied steadily. "With whom do you propose we celebrate?"

Cameron leapt upon the glimmer of opportunity she spotted. "We could invite Wilson for dinner! And maybe Chase, Foreman and Cuddy too?"

House stared at her as though she were crazy. "You want to invite Chase, Foreman and Cuddy over for Thanksgiving dinner? Why? If you insist on celebrating it, you could at least invite people of quality."

"Yeah, but there's no way just Wilson and I could eat a whole turkey," Cameron quipped with ease and it took House a moment to realise what she'd said before he glared at her.

"You're hilarious. Where do you pick up such incredible wit?"

"From you of course," she grinned.

House glowered in silence. He knew that when Cameron got an idea in her head, nothing could change her mind. The best he could hope for was to wrangle the situation so that there was some benefit in it for him; or at least make the evening fun.

Cameron accepted his silence as defeat, and gleefully turned to plan the menu for the Thanksgiving dinner.

"The trifle."

Mentally debating the merits of pumpkin pie over stuffed yams, Cameron was both startled and bewildered when House eventually spoke again.

"The trifle? What trifle?"

House rolled his eyes, clearly symbolising that Cameron should have immediately understood the reference.

"Rachel's Thanksgiving trifle. F.R.I.E.N.D.S?"

"Right, I got it," Cameron said dryly. "What about it?"

"The only, and I _do_ mean only, way that I will agree to attend this dinner-"

"You mean the one that's going to be held in the place where you live?" Cameron interrupted and House glared at her.

"If you want me to be there, I want to do the trifle challenge," House announced.

Cameron stared at him for a moment, now debating whether or not she actually _did _want House there.

"And how would this work exactly?" she asked him.

The more this 'experiment' went on, the less Cameron was convinced. She knew she was right and thought it would be worth proving House wrong (for once); she felt as though they hadn't thought it through. The first challenge had been easy enough, and the fact that House was now rapidly reading his way through the Harry Potter series was more than enough satisfaction. The second challenge, despite Cameron's horror at the idea of House actually giving Cuddy a ridiculous reference like he'd written, had been humorous enough and reasonably harmless.

House's initial premise had been whether to gauge just how realistic the plotlines of the sitcom were; but now Cameron suspected he was merely just picking plotlines to act out.

"Easy, we make something awful and get everyone to eat it," House suggested.

Cameron rolled her eyes. "Great, except for the fact that everyone knows I can cook and wouldn't be stupid enough to make half a trifle, half a shepherd's pie."

House hadn't considered that, but was deterred for only a second. "But everyone is pretty sure I _can't _cook!"

"That might be because you live out of a drawer of take out menu's when I don't cook," Cameron said pointedly, but House waved a hand away dismissively.

"Whatever. If you want to cook every night, good for you. Go at it."

Cameron suppressed a smile. "So, what? You're going to cook something awful?"

"Yep. And then _you _have to convince everyone to eat it."

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "How am I supposed to do that?"

House shrugged, suffering as one who was expected to do all the thinking and was grieved for it.

"_I don't know!" _he said in exasperation. "Tell them you don't want to hurt my feelings or some crap like that."

"Yes, but to believe _that _they'd have to be convinced that you actually _have _feelings, instead of being allergic to the full spectrum of human emotion."

House leaned over and took his girlfriend's hand, kissing the back of it softly. "Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have you in my life?" he asked her teasingly and she grinned.

"Not often enough," she replied lightly.

Chase, Foreman and Cuddy all happily and easily accepted the invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. Wilson too accepted, but had his suspicions, especially when he found House poring over cook books.

"Ok, spill," he confronted the couple one night when he was over for dinner.

"What do you mean?" Cameron asked innocently.

"I mean something's up," Wilson replied. "I mean, last month House voluntarily wrote a nice character reference for Cuddy, without being asked, blackmailed or bribed; and now not only has he agreed to host Thanksgiving dinner, but he's going to cook? Something is wrong with this picture."

"Maybe I'm being a loving boyfriend," House suggested and Wilson and Cameron scoffed in unison.

"You may as well tell him," Cameron sighed.

House explained to Wilson about their 'experiment' and the two challenges they had already completed, as well as House's condition to agree with Cameron's holiday plans. Wilson was completely taken aback.

"Ok... this is new," he said finally.

"Wait, you have to read the original reference I wrote for Cuddy," House chuckled, getting up and limping over to find the sheet of paper.

Cameron rolled her eyes. "Greg, it's nothing to be proud of."

"Speak for yourself."

To House's pleasure and Cameron's dismay, Wilson actually laughed to himself as he read House's ridiculous reference.

"James!" Cameron protested.

"Oh, come on, it's a little funny," Wilson coaxed. "If he had actually given it to Cuddy, that's a different story, but on its own? You have to admit it."

"Boys," Cameron muttered to herself as the doorbell rang, and went to get the pizza they'd ordered.

"So, what are you going to cook?" Wilson asked House as they ate, and House grabbed the notepad he'd been scribbling on.

"I've got a few ideas," he replied. "I'm thinking I'll do what Rachel did, and do half of one dessert, and half of another, and see what comes up."

"OK, but I'm not eating it," Wilson replied immediately and House rolled his eyes.

* * *

"Don't be such a baby, Wilson."

"Who wants dessert?"

Foreman groaned slightly as he pushed his plate away. "Oh, I don't know. If I eat anymore I may burst. Everything was fantastic, Cameron. What's for dessert?"

Cameron turned to House. "Good question. What's for dessert?" she asked her boyfriend.

Cuddy raised an eyebrow. "Wait- _House _made dessert?"

House nodded proudly. "Yep. We're having pie, so I hope you all like it."

Foreman and Chase exchanged sceptical glances as House stood up and limped off towards the kitchen. Cameron caught Wilson's eye, hoped she could pull this off without laughing and leaned forward to the others.

"OK, I'm not sure how this is going to turn out," she warned them. "He wouldn't let me help or see what he was doing, but I don't have a good feeling about this."

"I don't blame you," Chase said with a grimace.

"Can you please, _please _just pretend to like it, even if it's awful?" Cameron asked pleadingly. "It took him a long time to get here, and he's so proud of himself... I hate to tear him down, you know how he sulks."

Cuddy nodded knowingly. "God, yes. He's like a child. It's a miracle how you put up with him, Allison."

"So... you want us to lie to him?" Wilson asked her, secretly enjoying himself. "I'm going with the assumption he's going to screw this up, of course."

Cameron nodded. "Yes. Just... smile and nod," she begged. "He really put a lot of effort into this, and if something goes wrong, he'll never let me celebrate the holidays again."

Foreman sighed heavily. "Fine, but only because you have to live with him," he agreed and Chase, Cuddy and Wilson followed suit.

House returned after a moment, and Cameron leapt up to help him bring the dessert into the dining room.

"Here we go! Dessert a la House!" House announced triumphantly.

The guests stared at the dessert, their stomachs' sinking heavily. It did _not_ look good, and the smell... was interesting to say the least.

"Yum," Chase said unenthusiastically, and House suppressed the urge to smirk.

Even Cameron, who hadn't seen it prior to this moment, looked appropriately stunned and apprehensive.

"Uh, Greg? What exactly is it?" she asked her boyfriend nonchalantly.

"Sorry, it's an old family secret," House replied seriously. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you."

In truth, House had no idea what he'd conducted, but he had sincerely amused himself by tossing random ingredients into his 'creation' and was pleased with the result.

"OK, so everyone's having a piece?" he asked, preparing to cut the first piece of pie.

"Sure," Cuddy said after a long pause where everyone exchanged desperate glances.

"Allison you can't eat any, it's got nuts in it," House said to Cameron, who couldn't hide a sigh of relief.

"That's fine, I ate plenty already."

"I don't suppose there's strawberries in the pie too?" Chase asked, almost hopefully. House suspected it was probably the first time Chase had been thankful for his strawberry allergy.

"No, you're safe," he assured him cheerfully. Then he scoffed. "Who puts strawberries and nuts in a pie together?"

"Oh... thank goodness," Chase said flatly, glumly accepting the plate House handed him.

House watched in silent gleeful amusement, as everyone apprehensively began to eat their servings of pie.

"You're not eating any?" Wilson asked House pointedly.

"No, I'm completely full. But there will be heaps of leftovers, so I can have some later," he answered.

"Great. Then you can help me clean the kitchen," Cameron said, standing up, not being able to bear watching Foreman's face as he attempted to choke down the pie any longer.

House groaned, but obediently followed his girlfriend out into the kitchen. The second he was gone, Cuddy inelegantly spat out the mouthful she had been pretending to chew for the past two minutes, and hastily reached for her wine glass. Foreman and Wilson followed suit.

"Oh my God!" Cuddy gasped, making a face.

"What the hell did he put in this?" Foreman demanded, poking his fork into the pie gingerly.

Chase shrugged. "I don't know... but it's not bad. I think there's chocolate in here somewhere."

Wilson, Foreman and Cuddy stared at Chase in horror and dismay. "You're _liking _it?" Wilson gaped.

Chase shrugged. "Well, I'm not going to ask for the recipe, but it's not awful. It won't kill me at any rate."

Wilson and Cuddy exchanged a very similar look. It simply read, '_What the Hell?' _Wilson couldn't wait to tell Cameron and House.


	5. the Chicken Pox

**DISCLAIMER: House is property of FOX**

**AN. I do like this chapter.**

**Chapter 4: The One with the Chicken Pox**

"I don't _want _to do clinic duty!" House whined to Cameron and Wilson over lunch in the cafeteria.

"What else is new?" Cameron replied, ignoring his grumblings.

Wilson rolled his eyes. "House, you only need to do four hours. That's nothing! It'll go fast," he promised.

House scoffed. "No it won't. It's the middle of January, which means the clinic is filled with whiny kids with snotty noses-"

"So you should get along perfectly then," Cameron interrupted.

"And their whiny, overprotective, neurotic parents," House continued, glaring at her.

Wilson heaved a sigh, having heard this speech every time House had to enter the clinic in winter.

"Why don't you find a way to amuse yourself and make the time go fast?" he asked.

"Without trying to convince all the parents their children have fatal diseases," Cameron quickly interjected pointedly, House having tried that stunt the previous week.

House made a face at her, and sunk into a thoughtful silence, absent-mindedly picking at his Reuben.

"Ooh, wait!"

"Oh, no," Cameron sighed as House pulled out his iPhone to bring up his list of possible F.R.I.E.N.D.S plotlines.

"Is it just me, or is this 'experiment' more about House getting to act out sitcom plotlines, than seeing how realistic they are?" Wilson asked Cameron, who nodded in agreement.

"I know. I shouldn't be surprised, though. I knew when I started dating him he had the maturity of a six year old," Cameron sighed heavily as House looked up with a gleeful grin.

"What about this one?"

Cameron took the iPhone out of his hand, as she and Wilson leaned in to read it.

"Joey gets a job working with Chandler, and creates a character for himself, Joseph the Processor who is married with three kids and ultimately blames Chandler for his own mistakes," Wilson read.

Cameron looked up at her boyfriend thoughtfully. "You want to create a character for yourself to do clinic duty?" she asked uncertainly, wanting to make sure she understood correctly.

House nodded. "Yeah, how cool would that be?"

Wilson was thoughtful. "This could work."

Cameron shot him a look that clearly implied she thought Wilson was enjoying this too much.

"At best he'll actually act like a human being for four hours," he pointed out to her. "Cuddy will be happy, and House still gets to manipulate people."

She turned to her boyfriend sternly. "You realise this is the last one? Are you sure you want to use it on clinic duty?"

House snorted. "Please, everyone at this table knows I've already lost the bet. May as well have some fun, and go out with a bang."

Cameron hadn't thought about that. "Ok, sure," she agreed. Then she hesitated. "What sort of character are we talking about?"

House made a big show of pondering this, and exactly what kind of character he wanted to create for himself. Cameron couldn't stop herself from letting out a slight whimper of apprehension as she watched him.

"Oh, God. This is not going to end well."

"Will you relax?" House demanded in exasperation. "I love you, but you worry _way _too much."

Wilson suppressed a smirk, despite House and Cameron being together for a year now, he could count on one hand the number of times he'd heard House tell Cameron he loved her.

"Congratulations, in fact," House continued. "We just got back from our honeymoon!"

Cameron raised an eyebrow in disbelief. She had never expected House's 'character' to be.. Well, anything so normal. She was expecting something closer to mad- axe murderer.

"Really? Well, I hope you had fun," she said dryly. "Where'd we go?"

House turned to Wilson. "You're the honeymoon expert. Where's the best place to go for a honeymoon?"

Wilson hadn't recovered from his shock as quickly as Cameron and stared at House open-mouthed for a moment before speaking.

"Uh, most people go and lie on a beach for a week or two," he said finally and House snorted.

"Yeah, that's great with a cane and a bum leg. Where would _I_ go on a honeymoon, Wilson? It still has to be realistic."

Wilson and Cameron exchanged a quick look, and Cameron smiled but Wilson couldn't help but laugh.

"If it was realistic, there wouldn't be a honeymoon. As for a realistic holiday destination for you... pick a circle of hell."

House scowled at him and turned to Cameron. "Where would _you _want to go?"

This surprised Cameron more than anything. House knew from the past year that she hadn't had a honeymoon when she'd married in college, instead they'd spent a weekend in Chicago. It had been one of the things Cameron had been most disappointed about.

"It'd be your honeymoon too," House pointed out and Cameron nodded.

"Right... I don't know. Europe, somewhere I guess. And somewhere they speak English, I'm horrible with languages."

"I know," House snickered.

Wilson, however entertained he had initially been by the idea, was now looking unconvinced.

"I don't know if this will work, House."

"Why not?" House asked indignantly. "You don't think I can act? I manage to act like I don't think Chase is a total moron on a daily basis. I can handle four hours pretending to be in love."

"Pretending?" Cameron repeated, sincerely hurt, which House recognised and grimaced slightly.

"I mean lovey-dovey," he apologised and Cameron gave a small nod, but turned her attention back to her food.

Knowing he'd have to do some serious apologising and convincing that night at home, House turned back to Wilson.

"So, why won't this work?"

This, the subject of marriage, honeymoons and the behaviour of husbands, was something not exactly new to Wilson.

"Because normal guys who just got married tend to, for example, wear a wedding ring, and carry wedding pictures in his wallet that his bride more than likely gave him. You're going to have to convince everyone in the clinic that you think you're the luckiest man in the world right now, like you're the only man who's ever been in love or gotten married."

"I _am _the luckiest guy in the world," House replied bluntly. "No one else would put up with me as long as Allison has."

Cameron looked up with a small smile, and House felt as though he'd accomplished two birds with one stone with his answer.

"And I've got that picture of us in my wallet that we took at her cousin's wedding in LA last year," he continued, pulling it out to show Wilson. "She's even holding flowers."

"Oh yeah, you caught the bouquet, right?" Wilson recalled, turning to Cameron who laughed.

"Yeah, much to Greg's dismay. I guess I was the next one to get married, huh?" she teased her boyfriend. "So we got married in LA?"

House snorted. "I would never agree to an LA wedding, and unless we're standing in front of the Hollywood sign or something that screams LA, we can have gotten married anywhere."

* * *

It took far longer than any of the three of them would ever admit to sort out the details for House's character, but finally "Dr. Greg House" entered the clinic and called his first patient into exam room one.

"Hi, I'm Dr. House. It's, Mike, right?" he greeted him in a friendly tone, offering his hand to shake as the man sat down on the bed.

"Yeah, it's nice to meet you," the man- Mike, answered with a warm smile.

"So, what can I do for you today?"

"I've been feeling really tired lately… unusually tired. I've been suffering from headaches, sore throats…"

"Loss of appetite?" House finished, guessing where this was going, and Mike nodded.

"Yeah. But I'm always thirsty. It's been happening for about two months now, and my wife's been telling me to come get it checked out, but I figured it was just something that would fix itself."

House could barely conceal a grin, seeing the perfect segue into exploring his 'character'.

"Have you been married long?" he asked him.

"Seven years," Mike replied proudly. Then his eyes flickered down to House's left hand before he asked his next question.

"You're married?"

House looked down at his hand himself momentarily. Of course, at this late notice he had been unable to find a wedding ring, but Wilson had provided him with a good cover story to explain why.

"Actually, I am. Would you believe I lost my wedding ring on the honeymoon?" he asked, rolling his eyes as if to say 'can you believe my luck?'

Mike winced in sympathy. "That's rotten luck, man. Where were you?"

"Did a quick tour of Europe- just England, Ireland and a quick trip to France before heading home. Lost the wedding ring in Dublin… the wife was not impressed. You don't think losing the ring two weeks in to the marriage is bad luck do you?"

Mike grinned. "My wife and I spent our honeymoon in Australia… I convinced her that she'd love it, but forgot to mention the Olympics were on at the same time."

"Forgot? Or 'forgot'?" House asked, using finger quotes and Mike laughed knowingly.

Over the next four hours, House managed to find ways to evolve his alter ego, sometimes with small details he'd 'borrowed' from other patients. The honeymoon was extended to include Scotland and Wales, as to not exclude all of the United Kingdom; and the ceremony took place in the middle of a deserted and isolated meadow in Washington state- influenced of course, by his beautiful bride's love of _Twilight, _and who was he to refuse the wish of the love of his life to give her a dream wedding? Not when she'd had such a tragic experience, losing her first husband to cancer at twenty-one. House had decided to keep that one fact in his character history.

When it came to his last patient of the day, a sixty year old woman with bronchitis, House couldn't resist the opportunity to push his character even further. The woman, Georgina, had been enthralled with the news that House was a newlywed and House had been able to embellish all the details on the story of the wedding and the proposal.

"Any plans for children?" she asked interestedly as they headed out into the waiting room together.

House paused thoughtfully, Georgina was actually the first patient in the whole four hours to ask that question. In his keen observational skills, House saw Cameron herself standing at the nurses' station talking to the Head nurse Brenda and Cuddy. With a sudden burst of inspiration, he turned to Georgina with a bright smile.

"As a matter of fact," he said to her in a low voice, leaning forward. "She's six weeks pregnant, we're just waiting until we get past the first trimester to tell people."

Georgina beamed. "Oh, congratulations! That's so wonderful!"

House grinned. "Thank you, Georgina, you're so kind. Actually, she's just over there," he said, pointing Cameron out to her.

"She looks wonderful. I wish you all the best."

"Thanks so much. Wait a minute- Allison!" he called out, and Cameron looked around, slightly mystified when House gestured her over.

"Hello," she smiled at Georgina politely when she was in earshot.

House pulled her closer and slipped an arm around her waist, planting a kiss on the top of her head.

"How are you feeling, sweetheart?"

Now, Cameron was really confused but decided to play along. "I'm fine," she answered.

"Allison, this is Georgina. Georgina, my wife Allison."

It was a strange feeling to hear House introduce her as his wife, but she shook the woman's hand.

"Nice to meet you."

"You too. I just wanted to congratulate you on the wedding," she gushed excitedly and House supressed a grin as he saw Cuddy overhear that comment and her obvious shock.

"Thank you," Cameron replied after a moment, not sure how to react.

"And of course, the baby."

Cameron couldn't hide her shock at that comment, but Georgina laughed gently and shook her head.

"Don't worry, dear. Your husband was just so excited he let it slip."

Cameron faltered for a moment, until House nudged her. "Oh, yeah he does that," she managed to get out and Georgina congratulated them again, thanked House for his wonderful bedside manner and left them.

"Er, is there something you two would like to share?" Cuddy asked from behind them and House shook his head innocently.

"Nope. I'm out of here. See ya," he said happily, and led Cameron away.


	6. Epilogue

**DISCLAIMER: House is property of FOX**

**AN. Sorry this is so short! I had plans for two more challenges, but the story wasn't flowing and I just wanted to finish it. And then I had no idea how to end it, so this is the result. It's pretty lame, so I apologise in advance. **

**Epilogue**

"You don't have to look so smug," House muttered irritably, watching Cameron dance around the living room.

She laughed. "Greg, I can count on one hand the number of time you've admitted that you're wrong since I first met you. So, yes I am going to be smug, and I am going to do a happy dance."

"Then you don't get any more pizza," House replied childishly, pulling the box from the coffee table onto his lap.

Although House had known almost from the beginning he would lose the bet, that didn't he was going to lose graciously.

"Why did it have to be F.R.I.E.N.D.S?" he groaned. "Why can't you be obsessed with _Grey's Anatomy _like every other woman in America?"

Cameron giggled. "Like you need an excuse to try something in an elevator," she said teasingly. "Or a supply closet, or a clinic room, or a hospital room, or the Coma Guy's room…"

"The balcony was fun," House said wistfully with a grin.

She snorted, blushing slightly with the memory. "Not for Wilson it wasn't."

House just laughed. "Boy I wish I'd had a camera. So, when are you planning to invoke your winnings?"

Cameron's smile showed her gratefulness at the change of subject. "Major _Harry Potter _marathon this weekend. Wilson's coming too."

"Fun," House said unenthusiastically.

"He's bringing pie and beer," she continued knowingly and House's face brightened.

"Fun," he chirped and Cameron giggled.

"Yeah, I thought so. How on earth did Wilson involve himself in a friendship that consists of him constantly supplying you with free food?" she wondered aloud.

House shrugged. "Hey, I don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

"One day it'll be a Trojan horse and you'll get stabbed in your sleep," Cameron muttered warningly but House dismissed her.

"I want you to take me to the Harry Potter theme park in Florida," she said abruptly, changing the subject.

House looked at her in surprise. "There's a Harry Potter theme park?" he asked incredulously.

"Well, not yet. They're building one," she explained.

"And you're just assuming we'll still be together when it opens?"

She grinned. "I figure I'm stuck with you by now."

House figured she was right, and threw the remote down with a sigh. "There's nothing on TV!" he moaned. "Let's watch a DVD."

"Ooh, season eight of F.R.I.E.N.D.S," Cameron replied immediately, leaping up to grab the DVD from the shelf.

House knew that was her favourite season and sighed. "Ok, let's watch."

"But you can't clap along to the opening credits," she warned him as she resumed her seat.

_Damn, _House sighed inwardly.


End file.
